10 Things Napoleon Would Have Tweeted

From Kate Croston; thanks Kate, made me laugh.

In this latest installment of an ongoing series that explores what history might have looked like from a social networking perspective, we consider what tweets we might have expected from one Napoleon Bonaparte. You probably remember him. Short, feisty dude with a serious chip on his shoulder. Fought quite a bit. Or is that Joe Pesci? Either way, let’s take a look at what he would have said from his Twitter profile:

1. I’ve got a beef with @Wellington. No way he beats me one-on-one and I’m not sick. Plus it was raining. I demand a rematch. It’s true, Wellington stacked the deck, and Napoleon did have to advance through some pretty sloppy terrain. But seriously, it’s been 197 years. Let’s move on.
2. For all my peeps wondering why I keep my hand inside my coat: I’m packin’ heat, homies. That’s how we roll in the Corsican hood. We just thought it would be fun to imagine one of the greatest military leaders in history going all gangsta.
3. 867-5309, 867-5309. @Josephine, I got your number. I need to make you mine… That’s the #Napoleonic Code right there. J/K. We’d like to think that Napoleon, for all his aristocratic flair and pedigree, was a fan of 80′s classics.
4. Mark my words – I may not look like much, but someday I’m gonna rule the world AND they’ll name a complex after me! It’s that Italian blood, no doubt, but this kid was full of spit and vinegar right from the get-go.
5. Pope, Schmope. I’m the Mack Daddy in this town. @Pius VII will just have to deal. What’s up with my man @Beethoven? Where’s the love? Napoleon crowns himself emperor, at the expense of Pope Pius VII, and much to the consternation of his (ex)-fan, Ludwig van Beethoven.
6. @Alvinczi thought he had me at Caldiero – NOT. Take a look at the map now, sucka. Who’s ur daddy? Initially, Napoleon lost the initiative vs. the Austrian Field Marshal. However, things quickly turned Napoleon’s way at the Battle of the Bridge of Arcole.
7. OK, I’ve had it with the short jokes. I’m up to my ears with the Russians. Enough of this Bolshevik. Time to get the posse together.  Yes, we know the Bolsheviks didn’t exist until 1903, but really, if you’re going to buy Napoleon on Twitter?
8. Gotta give the #Russians props. We beat em fair & square, they took all we had & then burned that sucka down. Some bad muthas in Moscow. Napoleon defeated the Russian army, though it had not been as decisive as he’d hoped. The Russians, rather than surrender it, burned Moscow to the ground.
9. I’m huge on #Elba. Emperor of all I survey. But I’m going stir crazy. If I ever get off this rock, people are gonna pay for this. After he was exiled to the island of Elba, he retained his position as emperor and ruled there, even creating a military force. He attempted suicide there before managing to escape.
10. #Saint Helena. Meh. You could hang meat in here. Cold, damp, miserable. It’ll be the death of me. That slumlord @Lowe should be hung. The conditions at his exile home in Saint Helena did indeed contribute to Napoleon’s already failing health. Making matters worse was the poor treatment he’d received from the governor of Saint Helena, Sir Hudson Lowe.