DRENNAN BLOG: FC Catitentiary

Some of you are aware of the feline prison located in downtown Fountain City, Wisconsin. It is run by wardens “Domineering” Doreen and “Horsewhip ‘em” Hugh. The facility is more popular known as the “Schackteau” and doubles as an office, workout gym, workshop, TV and reading room.

Currently there are only three inmates in this catrectional institution: Lamont Cranston (a.k.a. the Shadow) know for his ability to cloud minds; Patchtricia (a demure but sneakily aggressive feline, and finally Pawline (a.k.a Sybil because of her multiple cat personalities and escapee expertise.)

Though the inmates of the catution are well feed, cared for and are engaged in rehabilitation activities, cat fights are common, though no cat is ever injured despite the fact that they all carry switchblade claws that are quite lethal. There must be a secret code of incarcerated cat behavior at work here. Criminalists specializing in cat behavior are currently studying this odd phenomenon.

Even though there are currently as the article is written, fights, mad dashing and active behavior occurring here after breakfast, the inmates appear to primarily nocturnal and raise havoc with the facility when there is minimum security at night. Pens, pencils, and other paraphernalia purrloined from the warden’s desk at night. In blazon behavior Lamont is know to walk off with said pieces in front of Ward Hugh’s face while parading back and forth in front of his computer screen. Waste containers are typically toppled and contents strewn about. Tools and other oddities that have not been seen in years are often found laying about the catyard in the morning. Warden Doreen is often confused as to the identity of said objects. Warden Hugh remarks, “oh, I wondered where that went.”

Some cat criminologists believe that the warden’s are far too lax in their control of the inmates, as numerous breakouts particularly by Pawline have taken place. Lamont and Patchtricia on the other hand seem almost completely institutionalized and show only a small interest of leaving the comfy confines which some call an executive prison. It is just too cushy there. But rest assured no tax dollars are wasted in this private prison.

As readers of previous cat tales may know there is some well documented aberrant behavior noted in these cats. Psychics believe that Pawline was a soccer player in a previous human life, which may give clues as to why she loves to tackle the wardens about the legs. All three inmates (or is in incats?) display spectacular soccer playing abilities with practice golf balls and stuffed mice. Lamont, as previously documented seems to have a serious foot fetish wrapping his body around the warden’s legs and then nibbling on their toes. He nibble only on their big toes, which some Freudians and a few Jungians believe, have subconscious implications. Warden Doreen expresses concern about the health of the wee inmate Patchtricia, but Warden Hugh just says she is just a small cat and therefore more civilized, wiser and more sedate than her larger siblings; he may be projected some bias here.

Of course, there is a language problem in this institution as the inmates and the wardens do not share a common language. While the inmates seems to make no effort to learn human speak, the wardens are frequently observed to make feeble attempts in cat speak, meowing with various intonations, which has limited results. They are considering contacting porpoise, dolphin and whale experts in interspecies communication in this area.

Some critics have complained that the wardens are eliminated large numbers of books from the prison library, particularly in the science fiction and religion sections. Now not cat has been observed actually reading any of these books it is suspected they might do so in the nocturnal hours when they are most alert. The removal of books, the wardens say, is due to a possible move to a new prison facility in another part of the state. This poses serious prison transportation issues that have not been resolved. Trauma specialists may have to be brought in in case such a move takes place.

The FC Catitentiary is open to the public and visitors are welcome to come and visit with the inmates though they are often shy and often hide from public display.