Constructive Criticism

Most of us have a hard time receiving criticism. When we are criticized it feels like a personal attack on our integrity. After all, are we not the composite of our ideas and beliefs? So, If you attack my ideas you attack me.

Now on the other side, we often feel think we are being helpful when we criticize others; it is for their own good isn’t it? Or, is it just being bossy? Unfortunately, it often seems the later even if you have good intents or, you could just be bossy. And then, when your criticism is not received gracious and joyfully but folk become angry with you for your well intentioned help, you get defensive again and think people don’t appreciate you. Lose, lose, lose.

Now, you can be sneaky with criticism, say good things and toss a critique in the middle of it; that makes the criticism more palatable. “Good just, but if you did this it might even be better.” Not bad. Even very helpful.

In the counseling I’ve done over the years I have found that unless someone asks you for your help over something, don’t volunteer it. It won’t be appreciated and more likely it will be counterproductive. I can’t tell you how many times a parent or a spouse has asked me to “fix” the child or spouse. I refuse.

What does work is using “I” statements rather than “You” statements. Example: You look like crap in that outfit!” or, “I respect your individual expression but your dress embarrasses me. Could you help me with my problem?” That last statement is the honest statement, the former is just being bossy. Here’s another, “You lazy SOB, there you are sitting on your fat ass while I doing all the work around here.” Or, “I could use some help with this if you have time.” Guess which is more effective and is more honest and true?

Another think I always tried to avoid was what psychologists call, “triangularization.” That is what happens in the case I mentioned before when a parent or a spouse wants you to fix a child or spouse. They want you to help them gang up on the other one. The result is that the one being attacked won’t trust you and see you as a buttinski and will not listen to you. I always told couples it is not important what is true or not in a disagreement, what is important is agreeing on something you both can affirm. Win-Lose folk have trouble with this. My purpose was to help them solve their problem together, not making decisions for them or telling them what is right or wrong.

With all that said, do you think politicians know squat about effective constructive criticism? Most don’t have a clue and thus we have the gridlock we have today. Those who have come out and flat said it is their way or no way cut themselves off from any productive solution finding.

The purpose of argumentation is to find a solution; it is not to win or to lose, but to find common ground for agreement. Most of the time we don’t even try. It didn’t used to be that way.


I believe that when President Obama invited Speaker of the House John Boehner to play golf, the President was seeking that type of win win thinking, and I believe Boehner was amiable to it. But the Boehner went back to his intractable peers and it fell flat. It political times past it was a common practice and the government was far more effective.

The same is true in religious discussions today, unfortunately, and the church has suffered for it.