Cat Hygiene: To Groom or not to groom, that is the question; 'Tis it nobler to groom oneself or another?

Patchtricia thoughtful looked at Pawline and Lamont one evening as said, “Have you ever thought about our furless servants hygiene?”

Lift one eye, Paw replied, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” continued Patch, “We never see them grooming themselves as any self respecting cat does. We spend be 30% to 50% of our time grooming each other and ourselves. It is a major occupation for us. Yet, I have never ever seen the furless ones grooming themselves or each other.”

“True,” said Lamont rising on his forepaws with authority. “They do spend a good deal of time grooming us, which is very pleasant I might add (confirming meows came from his sisters). But, you are right we don’t see them grooming themselves. Occasionally we give them a lick or two, especially after we have ‘accidentally’ given them a bite. But the truth be told it is not as rewarding experience as grooming each other. They have a certain saltiness that’s pleasant, and we want to show them our affection, but…they have no fur, just hairless skin. It’s just not the same nor as satisfying.”

“You’re right brother dear,” exclaimed Paw. “We show our affection and comfort, and love for each other with our grooming along with a healthy measure of self respect.”

“Sometimes,” Patch chuckled, “You groom yourself furiously after you have made a great leap and have fallen on your furry fanny Lamont. We know you are just embarrassed and covering up your little ‘oops.’”

“Well pipsqueak,” said a ruffled Lamont, “when something scares you, you do the same thing, groom your fear away. An effective tension reliever and you don’t know what else to do.”

“Our furless servants have a daughter and a granddaughter I hear that are massage therapists,” commented Paw. “They had to study, take tests and be licensed to do that. It would have been much simpler just to come to us. We are all experts in massage.”

“True again,” affirmed Lamont. “The furless species also seem to have a lot of anxiety and take lots of drugs to even them out and make themselves more at ease in the furless skins. We, on the other hand, have no need for Prozac or any of those other medications, we just groom and we feel fine.

“I have heard read on the computer the furless ones are quite fond of baths and showers,” continued Lamont. “They seem to like to soak themselves totally in water and use a product called soap. It seems like a rather barbaric practice when one has a perfectly good tongue. But perhaps that is why they don’t small bad, just different.”

“Oh no,” meowed Patch fearfully. “You don’t suppose they want to do that to us. Water is for licking not jumping in.” And she began to lick herself furiously.

“It is perfectly possible,” answered Lamont. “In fact, it is even probably. I think the female furless servant has talked about bathing us even in our presence.”

“Heaven forbid!” They all said together and began to lick themselves and each other frantically.