Cat Conversations: Part I

Pawline: I’m hungry. Where are those tall tailless cats that change their skin daily and feed us. They’re late, they’re very very late.

Patchtricia: You’re always hungry. At any rate, I’m not at all sure they are really cats. I think from watching the TV they are really called “human beans.” As big as they are I think if you ate one you would be gaseous for life. Your face is a mess Pawline, come over here and let me clean you up.

Lamont: Ladies, ladies, I am clouding there minds at this very moment and implanted the urge that so soon and very soon they will be coming through the door with tasty tidbits and fresh water for us. Be patient my pretties.

Patchtricia: Oh, get over yourself. Mind clouding my whiskers, it just time for them to be here. We have them very well trained and you know it. Why else would they put up with your shenanigans?

Lamont: Shenanigans! Humph. What shenanigans. I the most regal in all of catdom do not do shenanigans, I am just playful, and engagingly playful I might add. I have mysterious powers and they like it.

Pawline: Oh yes, the Shadow knows; knows my foot. We are all incredibly irresistible so they put up with your stealing pens, flashdrives, batteries, pencils, dowels, telephone adapters, tools, and who knows what else. You’re lucky they don’t toss you in a cage jail again and take you way as they have done. (she shivers.)

Patchtricia: Oh my, don’t remind us of that. After inveigling us into what the bearded one calls his office and plying us with food and water and good grooming they sealed us up in cages and took us away to that awful place.

Lamont: True. It was awful, and they the drugged us and strange other human beans did something to us while we were under the influence and we have been changed.

Pawline: Yes! Alien abduction it was. We were operated on and who knows what all they did but we are different, different indeed and we have the scars to prove it, though they are fading nicely.

Patchtricia: True, but they still are nice to us. I particularly the evening meals, juicy and especially yummy and we get extra grooming with that bristly thing afterward.

Pawline: Yes, and I notice that you, Patchtricia get special feeding from a spoon. What’s with that?

Lamont: She’s the smallest and their first love silly. She greeted them first when we were still living outside in the cold and cruel world. She is the one who manipulated the nice lady human bean  to name us and began feeding us. Besides you get plenty of food, more than plenty, you’re twice the size of Patchtricia. And despite your meowing, you purr like a freight train when they are around and brushing you.

Pawline: Oh, you know full well you’re the bearded one’s favorite. You’ve been buttering him up forever. “Look at me human! Watch me parade in front of your computer screen and chase its mouse. Aren’t I just the cutest? See me prance across your keyboard and walk around your desk and butt heads with you.” You’re a complete brown-noser.

Patchtricia: Well, truth be told we’re all brown-nosers. It just seems to be our nature. It’s a friendly thing to do. However, we don’t seem to have any interest in sniffing their multicolored butts. As a matter of fact, you can’t even see them. Do you suppose they are buttless? Do they even have litter boxes in the big house? I never saw one when he had a visit there once.

Lamont: Who knows, who cares. Just feed me, brush me, play with me and give me toys. By the way, do either of you know who is leading in our soccer (practice golf ball e.d.) tournament? It’s likely me. As a matter of fact, it certainly has to be me I’m by far the most busy, a veritable terror of our habitat for catimitry.

Pawline and Patchtricia: Sure dude, keep believing that one.

Pawline: Listen, here they come. Prance to the door cutely and beginning purring. Here they come with these evening’s goodies.

Patchtricia: Yes, and rub up against the legs and inadvertently trip them, it’s the cat things to do.

Lamont: Yes, they are under my hypnotic spell and opening the door. The Shadow knows. I wonder if I can conjure up catnip for us tonight; that stuff is a trip.

The End