A Redneck Handbook

Since I have not been able to find an official Redneck Handbook I thought I would provide a civic obligation in the creation of the following. It by no means is totally comprehensive, but I believe captures many of the beliefs and values of said Rednecks and the extreme politically right. I would invite others to add to the following material which is likely already larger than the Constitution and certainly larger than the Bill of Rights.

The Redneck* Handbook:

Any use of logic, inductive or deductive Reason or Common Sense is purely accidental and has no place in this document.

§  Anything a Democratic (spawn of the devil) or liberal is bad.

§  The sole agenda of true believers i.e. Republicans/Conservative is to defeat any Democratic agenda be it good, bad, neutral or otherwise as a matter of principle.

§  The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat; this is also true for minorities, folk of other than those of a fundamentalist Christian persuasion, and certain turtles.

§  The function of government is to have no function;

§  The exception to this is to benefit the wealthy at the expense of the poor and to raise the debt, increase spending, and run the government all while denying any of the above.

§  It is perfectly permissible to lie about welfare mothers or any receive welfare; they are mere minions whose only function is to serve the wealthy and to feather their bank accounts.

§  No individuals should be allowed to declare bankruptcy as it is their own damned fault; that privilege is reserved for banks, big business, hedge fund operators and the like. The penniless should be placed in stocks and mocked as in the good old days.

§  The 19^th Century is our model for all things good for us.

§  The Koch brothers are incarnate divinities currently walking upon the face of the earth and should be followed blindly and faithfully and given even more money to further our common vested interests. (Though it is important never to mention their or their cronies names.]

§  The rich are the chosen of God, that is why they are rich.

§  The poor are God’s rejects and should be condemned for their very existence. (Exception: to serve the wealthy as the sole purpose in life.)

§  All immigrants are illegal (aside from ourselves) and should be deported, imprisoned, and beaten; preferably all three simultaneously.

§  Barack Obama is the devil incarnate, a Muslim, not a citizen of the country and should be impeached if not drawn and quartered or at least hanged.

§  The above is true because that humble paragon of virtue, Donald Trump thus says so.

§  Newt Gingrich should image should be on Mount Rushmore as soon as which face of his we can decide upon.

§  In Ronald Reagan we trust because he could lie convincingly and bamboozle the American public with class B acting abilities. He also began our slide back to the 19^th century and reverse socialism.

§  We believe in raising taxes (on everyone but the rich), increasing the debt (as we own the debt), but reserve the right to blame the Democrats for all of the above.

§  We believe in the redistribution of wealth to the top while we accuse the Democratic liberals of socialism or even Marxism.

§  FOX news should replace all other sources of news.

§  We believe in education for the upper classes only and should price the cost of which out of the reach of any that would try to improve their lot.

§  The middle and lower classes should be encouraged to incur as mush possible personal debt as possible and owe the company store, which we own.

§  The end always justifies the means providing it is our ends that are met.

§  All CEOs should make at minimum 5000 times the average worker that works for them plus bonuses that are exempt from taxes.

§  Regressive taxes are the only fair taxes (for us.)

§  Creationism should be taught in school not because it is true but it keeps the minions for learning any form of truth.

§  We need to continue to erode the rights and privileges of main line churches, even those to which we belong, and conservative fundamentalist church should be promoted as they are more easily manipulated to be the opiate of the masses.

§  Only the conservative fundamentalist churches should be allowed to promote political beliefs and no moderate or liberal church should be allowed to do the same and should be taken to court and fined and preferably run out of existence because the are do-gooders and dangerous.

§  Steve Forbes is to be applauded for taking a perfectly good business magazine and turning it into a political rag.

§  The Koch brothers meetings should always be held in secret and it membership held in the strictest confidence and those who reveal any of this information should be horsewhipped, and branded a traitor to the country.

§  George W. Bush was a mental giant among men of his stature.

§  When in doubt always blame the opposition as disloyal.

§  We applaud all country music for being as simplistic and off key as we are. The exception for this is for those of us who enjoy the arts and should be the only ones to afford them.

§  All feminists are lesbians and condemned as harlots as the bad news bible tell us. We will hold in reserve a few unenlighted women who do our bidding as tokens of our understanding and sympathy for women, for which of course we have none.

§  Men should be the sole judges of what is appropriate for women’s bodies as we are more objective and less emotional about it.

§  Politicians should not be allowed to right any legislation: we have employed thousands of lobbyists who do that for us.

§  We strongly support all forms of democracy and claim we are it true advocates as long as it acts as a plutocracy.

§  It is perfectly okay however for us to support dictators, despots, and any and all forms of government that help us to grown financially, politically and in power.

§  Third world nations exist to provide us with cheap labor which we are entitled to exploit as masters of the universe.

§  We believe in nationalism even though we call it patriotism.

§  The environment is ours to destroy as we see fit as long as it makes us profits.

§  It is proper to name call all environmentalist as “tree huggers” “green aliens,” “stupid backward country destroyers” and these negative images help us accomplish our purposes.

§  We believe guns should be available to everyone over the age of 1 ½ years as they can accidently and on purpose help control the population.

§  We support the NRA because we own their leadership lock , stock and barrel.

§  True sportsmen use automatic artillery, and bazookas to bring down major game such as squirrels and birds. They are also useful for shooting your friends accidently on hunting outings; as long as those who are shot apologize for getting in the way of the shooter.

§  We support the 2^nd Amendment which we interpret as the right to bear any type of arms we want. [The actual amendment reads: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.]

§  We reserve the right to interpret the 2^nd amendment anyway way we want, even though we don’t actually think the British are likely to attack us at anytime soon, and very few of us actually belong to state militia or that the world has had any significant change since 1776.

§  We believe we have the right to “blow away” anyone we want on the basis of self-protection even if we are on the hunt for those unlike ourselves, therefore villains and rightful targets of vigilante efforts.        

§  Rush Limbaugh is the epitome of sound, thoughtful, reflective commentary upon the wild fanatics he berates.

§  Ann Coulter is the best female toddy of the body politic we affirm. While not barefoot and pregnant she is a great spokesman for her gender.

§  Sarah Palin has remarkable eyesight and acumen and reads countless comic, coloring books, another model for modern femininity; plus she looks good in a skirt and known for her pithy palaver. And, we think female bears would look good in lipstick.

§  We believe that Pat Robertson along with a select few others speak for all of Christendom and those who do not follow his believes are heretics.

§  Paul Ryan is cute and therefore we should affirm his
Ayn Rand economic philosophy ie. “There are two sides of every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil.” “If any civilization is to survive, it is the morality of altruism that men have to reject.”

§  Our party is not dead and we will proclaim in from our graves.

*The following words may be substituted for Redneck: Extreme Republicans (preferable Tea Party), extreme conservatives. We are mainly cut from the same bolt of cloth.