You Might Be a Conservative if…

Alan Colmes in his book Red, White and Liberal which is addressed to conservatives as well as liberals and is funny. Taking a page from Jeff Foxworthy’s bit, “You might be a redneck if…” Colmes makes his take on “You might be a conservative if…

    You believe that Clinton gutted the military and yet you’ve forced to acknowledge that that same military performed magnificently in both Afghanistan and Iraq.

   You believe government should be off the backs of business but in the uteruses of women.

  You think it’s okay to overspend if the money goes to a defense contractor, but not if it goes to a single mother with no husband and no job.

  You despise the fact that Bill Clinton tried to bring peace to the Middle East, but you love that George Bush brought war there.

  You believe that government doesn’t know how to run schools, but it does know how to run school prayers.

  When a Democrat agrees with you he or she has an agenda, but when you agree with him or her, you’re bipartisan.

  You believe in family values, unless the head of the family happens to be gay.

  You believe that when Democrats control congress and they stop you from doing things, it’s proper to blame them for obstruction, but when you control the congress and they try to stop what you’re doing, it’s proper to shut down the government.

  You don’t think this is very funny, but it would be hilarious if it were mocking democrats.

Now I'll add what Colmes says what conservatives hears when liberals say.

When a Liberal says                          What the Conservative Hears

Democrat                                          Communist
Liberal                                               Anti-American
Left Wing                                           Wants to overthrow the country
Homosexual                                        Pedophile
Rockefeller                                       See "Democrat"
Republican
Environmentalist                                Tree-hugger
Pro-choice                                          Baby killer
Union member                                    Socialist
Antiwar                                               Traitor
Liberal publication                              Lying communist rag.