NERF: A better way

 I write a lot. I write on many many topics. I believe I bring to my articles or essays, a liberal arts education supplemented with a long personal history (meaning I’m old) and much philosophical reflection. I have been accused of being creative on more than one occasion. Some folk even think I come up with good ideas from time to time. 

Well, here it comes. I think I’ve come up with a humdinger this time. It is an aha, eureka, epiphanous moment. Ready? We need to bring back to prominence the NERF ball and other nerf stuff. 

Think about it. Let the idea roll around softly around your brain a bit. That’s it. NERF stuff are usually weapons: balls, clubs, footballs, baseballs, basketballs; sports balls are generally used in gentile or not so gentle wars of entertainment. The most aggressive nerf was probably the “blaster” but to date, I know of no one that was ever wounded or even bruised by a NERF weapon. Think of football games with nerf footballs and nerf padded helmets and uniforms; how could you even get a concussion in nerf football. They are just foam, brightly colored, happy foam (or polyurethane).

The first NERF ball invented was a 100 mm (4 inch) ball to play a type of football indoors. Reyn Guyer from Minnesota created it out of polyurethane foam in 1969. Genius. Then quickly came the Super NERF ball, my personal favorite. In my work with youth over the years I have found the nerf (okay, I’ll go to lower case) my favorite for games played and fewer trips to doctors. I also had a set of nerf clubs, like caveman clubs for beating each over the heads. In one youth group, there was one of the kids who was just always going to be bullied. The family came to see me if I had any way of helping him. After we talked a bit about anger and stuff I took one of the clubs and gave it to the bullied kid and told him to take it home. And when he felt really angry and sad, pretend that his dad was one of those bullies and just beat the crap out of him. They knew that no one was really going to get hurt but it got a lot of frustration out, and, it was funny. Funny is remarkable in diffusing anger. 

Okay, I have another. In couples therapy, I often told couples when involved in tense arguments to dance the Penguin. If you are not familiar with the penguin it is a dance I first heard done by the Harvard Lampoon Tabernacle Choir. In the dance music starts very slowly and the dance partners face each other with their arm down stiffly at their sides and the hand perpendicular to their bodies and the begin to step in rhythm to the music. The beat of the music increases in tempo and the step more and more lively. As the music reaches it top speed it suddenly stops the dance partners immediately stop dancing and reach toward their partner's tummy tickle it and then throw their hands in the air and holler “Whee!” I defy folk to stay angry after the penguin dance. (Further research shows there are many versions of the penguin dance from the 1970s, children’s shows; there are even lyrics I believe penned by Jack Hartman or Pinkfong. But I still prefer the Harvard Lampoon Tabernacle Choir version on the 1962 album, “The Harvard Lampoon Tabernacle Choir Sings and Leningrad Stadium,” and described as I did before. Christopher B Cerf (a Harvard alum ’63) wrote the original lyrics. The record first printing sold out in 3 weeks after release. Boston disk jockey “Woo Woo” Ginsburg played in constantly at the time. Hey, you need to know these things.)

Imagine nerf balls and penguin dances in life situations. In games when the competition gets to wild and fights about to break out, the referee blows their whistle, nerf basketballs, baseballs, footballs or whatever are substituted for the hard counterparts and the teams and throw them against each other. In hockey, an especially violent sport when fights break out, instead of sending offenders to the penalty box makes them dance the penguin on the ice. I think it would save of lot of stitches.

And how about congressional debate? Instead of rudely interrupting each other or talking over the other, just throw a nerf ball at whom you are angry with. Can’t just see the House of Representative or the Senate involved in an all-out frenzy nerf ball throwing at each other while the lobbyists are required to stand in the gallery doing the Penguin dance?

Campaign debates could even get interesting if the debate host was armed with gigantic nerf balls suspended over each candidate, and one dropped on them whenever they went overtime, got off the subject, was rude, or just because they irked the MC.

We could probably end Middle Eastern strife if somehow we could just replace all weaponry with nerf balls. Well, that’s not likely to happen but I would like to see Benjamin Netanyahu beaned by a nerf ball by Yasser Arafat. Now that escalation I would pay money to see.

British parliamentary debate is pretty laughable as it is, but it certainly would be spiced up and more fun with nerf balls being hurled at each other by Lords and Commoners.

Would the Irish Troubles be more of the Irish Laughables with nerf balls?

We wouldn’t have to impeach Trump, just force him to hit nerf golf balls while opponents got to use regular golf balls. Instead of censure just force him to wear nerf clown shoes the rest of his life. But I wander... sorry.

You could do a great TV special featuring Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell launching various nerf attacks supported by their entourage armies. They could all line up facing each other and then dance the Penguin.

I don’t think we would ever have to worry about arms buildup escalations if the only arms were nerf oriented. More likely we would encourage nerf innovations to enhance nerf warfare. It makes more sense than creating a Space Force to me. The most expensive nerf weapon I could find on Amazon was a Nerf Elite titan CS-50 Toy Blaster. I’m not sure what it is but it costs $299.00. I think that is significantly less than a nuclear warhead plus missile.

There it is my flash of brilliance for the day or decade. Get nerf stuff, dance the Penguin, and wait for the pandemic to subside so we are prepared for the nerf Olympics.